Whatever 12

Girl: How many girlfriends have you had?

Bruno: That’s a tough question, define girlfriend.

Girl: Some girl you went out with.

Bruno: That’s it?

Girl: Yeah.

Bruno: So if I went out with you on a date would that make you my ex-girlfriend now?

Girl: No, it’s gotta be more than one date.

Bruno: Alright 3 dates.

Girl: At least 5.

Bruno: Alright, so you and I went out on 5 dates, there was no physical contact and I never told you my feelings, would that make you my ex-girlfriend anyway?

Girl: Alright 5 dates and physical contact, that counts as a girlfriend.

Bruno: So if I had a girlfriend in primary school, we went out more than 5 times, we talked about our feelings, we held hands sometimes, that counts as physical contact, should I count her as an ex-girlfriend? 

Girl: No, it has to be more than holding hands.

Bruno: So you mean sexual contact, not physical contact.

Girl: Well at least making out.

Bruno: Alright, so let’s say I went out with this girl, on 6 dates, we had sex once and after that, for whatever reason she decided she wasn’t gonna take my calls anymore, would that count as a girlfriend? 

Girl: No, I don’t think so. Ok, lets try this, 5 dates or more, sexual contact, and emotional connection.

Bruno: Emotional connection from one or both sides.

Girl: Both of course. And you have talked about it and agreed you were boyfriend and girlfriend..

Bruno: Alright, picture this, it’s me and her, we love each other very much, we’ve been seeing each other for over a 2 years now, we live together, we’ve traveled together, I’ve met her parents, she met mines, but we never really felt that need to imply property on each other by giving each other possessive titles such as boyfriend or girlfriend, we love each other hence we don’t need any titles, being together is enough, because we are happy together. 

Girl: Well you’re a very special person, but most people need that security, lets say reassurance, of knowing you are seeing each other exclusively.

Bruno: No, don’t get me wrong, we knew it, there was just no need to say it. Now would you say that counts as a girlfriend or not?

Girl: Yes, I’d say so.

Bruno: Now picture this, I’ve met this girl yesterday, she says she loves me and wants to be my girlfriend, so as of yesterday she’s my girlfriend.

Girl: That wasn’t 5 dates.

Bruno: But are together, and we are calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, how can that not count as a girlfriend if she says she is my girlfriend. 

Girl: I know, but it’s just too fast.

Bruno: So, it seems there’s no real set of parameters you can use to define what an ex-girlfriend really is, am I right?

Girl: You always have to have the last word don’t you?

Bruno: Just saying.

Girl: Did you really meet a girl yesterday?

Bruno: Maybe

Girl: What do you mean maybe?

Bruno: You see how you are? You see how girls are? They are totally uninterested in a guy, and right the moment he says he’s seeing someone else suddenly he becomes an object of their desire.They only want him because they can’t have him anymore, when they could have had him they didn’t want him, now that makes sense to you?

Girl: It’s attraction, it works in mysterious ways, it doesn’t need to make sense.

Bruno: Now for most guys the exact opposite happens, we are talking to a girl and exactly 0.3 seconds after she says she has a boyfriend we lose interest completely.

Girl: Really, so would you stop meeting a girl just because she has a boyfriend?

Bruno: Of course.

Girl: Why?

Bruno: Because it’s awkward, and also because of the bro code, but mostly because it’s awkward.

Girl: What’s the bro code?

Bruno: Is what makes that girls boyfriend a bro.

Girl: So you don’t see him as a rival or someone you have to compete with the get the girl.

Bruno: Of course not, he’s a bro.

Girl: Even though you don’t know him.

Bruno: Exactly. You see only a guy can understand what other guy has to go through in order to get a girl, so why would we want to cause that guy any pain or trouble.
Of course, there are a few exceptions, the pickup artists, the douchebags, they are not bros but most guys out there are. So when she says “I have a boyfriend” she’s making clear that she’s my bro’s girlfriend, we don’t mess around with other bro’s girlfriend, that’s just wrong.

Girl: I had no idea it was like that.

Bruno: Actually you know it’s like that, all girls do, and that’s one of the ways they have to let the guy know they are not interested.

Girl: Yeah, maybe we know, but it’s not just for that, it’s also to make things clear. It’s better than not mentioning you are seeing someone, most guys don’t even mention it.

Bruno: Yes we do, just not as early in the conversation as most girls do so.

Girl: And why is that?

Bruno: Because we know that would make us extremely attractive to your people.

Girl: No, it’s because you feel guilty talking to a girl you shouldn’t be talking to.

Bruno: Why guilty? We are just talking?

Girl: Yeah, we are also just talking, and by mentioning we have a boyfriend we want you to make sure we are REALLY just talking.

Bruno: Ok, I did meet a girl yesterday.

Girl: Really, what’s her name?

Bruno: Asuka, Asuka Kimura.

Girl: You’re such a bad liar.

Bruno: Ok, I didn’t meet anyone.

Girl: You’re such a loser.

Bruno: You see how you are, you just proved my point again.

Girl: Whatever you say.

Bruno: You’re so predictable.

Girl: Right, Asuka Kimura.

Bruno: You’re still thinking about that.

Girl: To tell the truth, I thought you would say Misato.

Bruno: Why Misato?

Girl: Sounds like the name of a girl you may like.

Bruno: It does actually.

Girl: Misato Imakura.

Bruno: I can picture her already.

Girl: How does she look like?

Bruno: Sweet.

Girl: How old is she, 15?

Bruno: Let’s say 27, same as me, to make it politically correct.

Girl: But then she wouldn’t be attracted to you because most girls like older guys.

Bruno: Good point. So let’s say she’s 24?

Girl: Still, too old, the attraction triggers in a girl when the guy is at least 4 years older than her, trust me, I’m a girl.

Bruno: 23 then?

Girl: That could work.

Bruno: Yeah… that could work..

Girl: …

Bruno: that could work…

Bruno: that could…

Girl: Oh, come on!

Bruno: What???


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