Finding thoughts 3

If I have to meet someone I would set up the appointment for either 9 am or 2 pm, that way there are little chances that it will drag on and I then I get invited for lunch or for dinner, because it’s too difficult to explain to people that I can’t eat meat or chili, and I don’t like noodles because they use meat stock to cook it in, and it’s uncomfortable to eat with the smokers, and I haven’t found a single restaurant in this city where people don’t shout or spit or smoke while they eat.

I wrote about 20 emails to people the last few months and none of them got a reply, not even from my mother, it means literally not even my mother likes me? Or people hate me because I am arrogant or I think I know too much, or maybe no one hates me but I hate myself.

Is it possible to tell the difference between being really happy or really comfortable in our lives? And if we can’t tell then the difference does the difference matters at all? Sometimes, I find myself opening the window in my bathroom while I shower and wishing I was having a waterfall shower instead. I miss the feeling of waking up and not knowing where I am. I go to the same places every day and wish I was going to a really far away place instead. Is it the travel bug? Or the need of always wanting new experiences? Or is it that life is only worth living when you get to feel alive every day, and you only get to feel alive every day while you’re traveling?
How about the other pleasures of life, like having kids and seeing them grow up, and losing their first teeth, and the first day of school and all those small things they must do that are special, many firsts ones. That must be nice too, nice and are hard to imagine if you haven’t experienced them before, but most  people have traveled in some way so it’s easier to get hitched to something you know than to something you have never experienced.

If I meet someone on the street and say hi, after that I feel like my job here is done, so I can go back home and won’t feel guilty for not having social interactions. Even a 2 seconds “hi” would alleviate the guilt…
In our society and through our upbringing we are taught that we are social creatures and a person who stays at home the whole day and doesn’t talk to other people is not a good person. And we see ourselves through the eyes of others and think we are what they think of us, or our real image is how we are perceived by others.

I talked to someone from Spain and they complain they have no job and there’s no money, but as Europeans, they can easily go to work in any other european country like Switzerland or Norway, but they say they don’t want or can’t learn a new language, so they want the comfort of their home, while being able to complain about it, but not doing anything to improve their situation, but isn’t that the same I do here, and everyone else does everywhere? The difference is probably that they have an option, many others don’t.



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