When you need to go you need to go, that’s a fact, so today I bring you a list of practical excuses for those times when heading all the way to the toilet is just not an option.
1_ It’s too cold outside:
Have you ever been to -45 degrees? No? Me neither. But I have a friend from Russia that has, and he told me it’s too cold out there and he just can’t be bothered to get out of bed, so he always keeps a handy plastic bottle next to his bed for when nature calls. And so should you.
2_ The bathroom is just too far:
Do you have a very big house? No? Well, doesn’t matter, because you don’t need to live in a castle to justify peeing in a bottle, a flight of stairs will do just fine, or long hallway. Remember, if it’s not in your room it’s too far, you need the bottle.
3_ If you go then you will not be tired anymore:
Because the act of getting up will put your whole body in motion and ready to rumble, the change of temperature between your bed and the outer world is enough to keep you up all night after you come back from the toilet and you can’t afford that because you have that big meeting at work next week, remember? Better not risking it, play it safe, use the bottle.
4 _ The bathroom floor is too cold:
Because winter came, and you forgot to buy some slippers to wear in the bathroom and now it’s too late, winter is halfway gone already so you missed your chance to enjoy the sleepers. But don’t worry it was a mistake, it can happen to anyone, you’re only human remember? Next year you’ll get some new sleepers at the beginning of winter like it should be, this year better stick to the bottle.
5 – There are guests in the house:
It seems your flatmate has some friends over, but you are just not feeling all that sociable today, you don’t want to introduce yourself and meet new people, and answer all their stupid questions about work or study. Not tonight, tonight you just want to pee inside a bottle and go to bed.
6_ Is not your house:
OK, picture this, you’ve met a girl, she seems to like you for some reason, so she invited you over to meet her parents. You don’t want to make a mess in her bathroom, what if you miss the toilet bowl? You don’t want to pee all over her floor. Better wait for her mother to go to the kitchen to bake some cookies, check that there are no hidden cameras, find a dark corner, take the empty bottle you are always carrying in your backpack for an emergency like this one and do what it needs to be done for this relationship to work. Remember, your grandkids will thank you for this.
7- You are watching an interesting documentary on whale reproduction:
Did you know that blue whales have the largest penises on Earth? When its aroused it can get as big as 12 inches in diameter and ten feet in length, you know what that means? No? Why not? Oh, yeah, you’re not from the US so you’re not familiar with the retarded imperial measurement system?
Don’t despair! What I meant was that the whale is gonna need a really really big bottle, and so will you because tonight you’re not getting off the couch.
8_ It’s too late to flush the toilet:
Unless you come from the future (or from the past), our toilets these days make this terrible noise when you flush them and It usually wakes everyone up, and pardon the pun when I say they could get pissed-off.
9_ You are very afraid:
It’s too dark and you have just watched and horror film, that one with the zombies and the serial killer, you don’t want to go all the way to the toilet by yourself, at night. What if you get murdered? What if you get raped? What if you get murdered AND raped? Why taking the risk? Pee in the bottle
10_ There is someone using the bathroom:
Why they always have to go at the same time you have to go, you guys should start taking turns for it, next time you can discuss the matter thoroughly, this time though, better use the bottle
11_ The toilet is out of service
Not just out of service, I’m pretty sure I saw a plumber coming in and out, you don’t want to bother him while he’s working, you don’t want to be in his way. I know he probably doesn’t even mind, but it’s just polite to wait until he’s done, and actually, you are pretty lucky because there’ happens to be an empty plastic container right here, you can use until the honorable man finishes his work.
12_ The bathroom is haunted:
You know you’ve been hearing some weird noises lately, what are they? Ghosts? Aliens? Monster? It could be anything really. We don’t know what’s out there. What we do know is that it’s hiding in the bathroom, waiting to do something really really bad to you, better using the bottle this time.
13_ Because of a medical problem:
Have you broken your ankle and it’s too painful to walk? No? Stepped on a Lego? Maybe you felt dizzy when you stand up? Do you have asthma and don’t want to get too excited? A headache? Depression? A broken nail? Anything will do, you know what to do.
14_ You are single:
Because you know when you get a girl she may not like this little habit of yours, so these are actually your last years of freedom, might as well enjoy them because after this you’ll probably have to get up in the middle of the dark cold night and, half asleep, hike your way to the bathroom like a wild animal. Enjoy it while it lasts, bottle.
15_ It’s too dangerous:
The truth is there are a lot of dangerous objects on the way to the toilet. You don’t want to hit your little toe with the sharp edge of a wall or furniture. You don’t want hit your forehead with the frame of the door. You don’t want to trip, break your spine and spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair. For your safety and that of those around, we strongly recommend you peeing in the bottle.
16_ Just can’t be bothered, enough said.