I met a girl once. And was really really into her, thought of her all the time, tried to see her often, wrote her every day, brought her a gift every time i met her and tried to make every moment we spent together a special one.
Would have done anything for her.
She made me want to be a better person, she inspired me. And every time I was with her I couldn’t help but smile and being nice to everyone.
She made me feel so confident about myself and about what we had, that I told her I didn’t want a relationship based on possessiveness or jealousy, so if she wanted to see other guys I was cool with it.
And that I was with her because I wanted to be with her, without any conditions and without expecting anything from her, In my mind that was the theory for a successful relationship. Being with someone despite the world, accepting them how they are. Instead of being with someone only if… they have sex just with you, only if… they care about you or if… they do this and do that and they are exactly the way you want them to be.
But actually (i realized so very late that) when I said that to her I was unconsciously expecting her to say something like “I don’t need anyone else, I’m happy with you” but of course she didn’t say that she started seeing someone else on the side instead.
And then she told me and said “you said you wouldn’t mind” and I was like f***k, she’s right! I was the one who said it was ok in the first place. But I only said it because I thought she wouldn’t do it and I wanted to look so open minded and self-confident. She wasn’t cheating or doing anything wrong and I had absolutely no reason to get mad at her.
But still, I reacted like I was in a Kevin Smith’s movie, dumped her and never saw her again.
The days after that were just hell, crying, insomnia and my stomach was sick, like that song from The Killers. I’m sure most of you’ve been there before and know that feeling.
So that was when I realized I wasn’t ready for an open relationship yet, I thought I was but wasn’t mature enough yet, not even close.
And I thought f***k, I spend so much time trying to be in control of my emotions, so much time trying to get rid of all the negative feelings, like greed, hatred, anger, jealousy. So much time trying to think and act in the most logical and rational way possible.
This shouldn’t be happening to me, not to me (I thought) I’m stronger than this, I’m better than this.
Polygamy makes sense! for a number of reasons, I know that in theory, so I thought I could handle the practice. Because it was the logical thing to do.
She hadn’t done anything wrong, she only did something that made her feel good, having sex with someone else, getting pleasure, being happy. Sex makes us happy. Affection makes us happy. To all of us. No one can deny that.
So I should have been happy that she was happy and she was doing something that was good for her and should have kept enjoying the good times we were having together, that was the logical thing to do.
But I couldn’t and I had a dilemma, I’d been betrayed by my own beliefs and wasn’t able to walk the talk.
And well… In the end, that girl taught me I was actually much weaker than I thought and not so liberal and open-minded as I wish I was.
I usually act cold, like I don’t need anything or anyone like I don’t care about anything.
But actually, I do.
I do care, I just haven’t learned how to show it yet.